Parent Sense - Commonsense Wisdom For Raising Kids

Don’t Let Guilt Dictate Your Parenting

Dave Welday — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 19:13:53 +0000

Let’s face it, none of were perfect cherubs growing up. We all made mistakes, some big, some not so big. One thing I think we all need to guard against is letting our own shortcomings keep us from doing the right thing when it comes to raising our own children. For example, I have some friends who have a teenage daughter that is being sexually active. This couple had sex before marriage themselves but later in life came to see the value and importance of remaining chaste until marriage. What a gift to give your spouse, the security and intimacy of knowing that you have been with no other. That your one and only has been your one and only sexually. But because my friends sowed some “wild oats” before marriage, they somehow feel they are not qualified to train their kids to act that way. They feel it would be somehow hypocritical to tell their teenage son or daughter to “wait” when they didn’t. While I understand the thinking, it’s still not smart.

Maybe you were a rebellious teen or gave your parents holy fits through being sassy and disrespectful. When your own child acts in a similar way, there’s this little voice inside your head that says, “See, you’re getting what you deserve.” Instead of coming down firmly with your child, you make excuses or give a half-hearted disapproval. Why? One word, guilt.

Think about it. Let’s say you did drug and robbed banks as a youth. Does that disqualify you from teaching your son or daughter with conviction that this is not a way to behave? If anything, the harsh experiences you faced ought to give you more passion to raise your son or daughter to behave differently. Yet, that nagging thing in our heads called guilt plays the all too familiar tune of “How dare you” and “You’re not worthy” and “You can’t preach what you didn’t live”. But guilt is not from God and it’s never helpful. Conviction to live better and having a conscience about right and wrong IS from God…but not ”beat yourself up” guilt. Guilt never inspires us to live better or parent better. It only saps our will to be our best and keeps us from being bold and doing the right thing.

So don’t let guilt over your own past mistakes and failures keep you from parenting your children with conviction to do the right thing, live the right way and be all that they were created to be. Don’t give into the lie that says you can’t raise your son or daughter to live with a higher standard or a different world view than you had.

Giving Your Kids a Positive Self-Image-Part 3

Dave Welday — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 01:12:12 +0000

You know how sequels to movies are usually never as good as the original installment. By the time you get to the third release, the writing and plotline has gone way down hill. Well since this is the third and final installment of this issue of raising kids to live with strong self-esteem, hopefully you’re not ready to write me off. Go ahead and tell me off if you like…just don’t write me off.

So we’ve talked about the importance of spending time with your children as a way of affirming them as having value and worth. And last week we discussed how you can find opportunities to put them in situations where they can succeed. This week I want to challenge you to be intentional to speak positively about them. Yep, your words can be platforms that elevate your child’s self image to higher levels or they can be trenches that cause them to stumble and fall into lower and lower levels of self-worth.

I think when speaking positively about your children it’s very important to focus on complimenting and praising them not for what they do but for who they are. You don’t want their self image to be based solely on their performance. In other words, when they do well, they feel good about themselves. But when they perform poorly, they think poorly about themselves. For example, your child draws a picture and shows it to you. Instead of saying “That’s a great picture”. or “You drew a really great picture.” Say something like, “Wow, you really have a talent for drawing.” or “I love the way you can see something and then put what you see on paper. That’s a real gift.” Instead of praising the performance, you are praising them. Do this all the time, at every opportunity and you are helping your child develop the sense that they are gifted with traits, characteristics and talents that give them worth and value. Their value is not based on what they’ve done but who they are. Big difference.

God uniquely created your child with all sorts of amazing ability. Your job as a parent is to help them discover this ability and learn how to channel it and use it to be a blessing, not just for themselves but for others. Helping other people builds self esteem. Using their God-given abilities in a way that contributes to society builds them up. Now I’m not suggesting that you should never correct bad behavior, point out character flaws that need adjustment for fear of wounding your child’s fragile self image. Nope. In fact, failing to correct bad behavior doesn’t endear you to your child or help them develop a positive self image. Just the opposite. When you let your little one get away with murder, you are communicating at some level that “What you do doesn’t matter that much to me.” Discipline and correction is a strong and powerful way to communicate self worth. Even when you have to point out a bad behavior or attitude, you can find a way to affirm their self worth. For example, ”David, you are too smart to settle for that C in biology. I know you have great smarts that you are not using like you could. What’s keeping you from doing your best work?”

So make a point to be intentional and consistent in praising your child. Be specific in your praise. And don’t just compliment work or behavior but compliment the skills, talents, character, characteristics, attitudes and abilities that your child has.

There are no guarantees that your child will growing liking themselves and having a positive self image, but you certainly want to do all that you can to help them think rightly, and highly about themselves.

Giving Your Kids’s a Strong Sense of Self-Worth-part 2

Dave Welday — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 20:23:50 +0000

Last week I wrote about how important it is for children to develop a strong sense of self-worth. How do you raise kids to like themselves? There’s no magic formula…at least not that I’ve found. But I do think there are a few key things that we as parents can do to help “stack the deck” in favor of our kids coming into adulthood with a positive self-image.

I’m sure you could probably spend your Saturday reading books ad-nauseum about how to build up your child’s self esteem. For, me, I’ll keep it simple and stick to offering just three things. In my last blog I talked about one key strategy which is simply spending time with your kids. The gift of your time and attention communicates volumes of unspoken love that helps a child know that they matter, that they have worth.

The second principle I want to suggest is this. put them in situations where they can succeed. This can be any number of things. For example, have your son or daughter help you make dinner. Let them help you mow the lawn. Have them clean their room. Let them wash your car. Since it’s nearing Christmas time, let them help decorate the tree. Sign them up for piano lessons, or pee-wee football or martial arts. In each of these situations, the key is to give them enough instruction so that they have what it takes to succeed and not fail at the task. When you challenge a child to do something they’ve never done before, and you give them the tools, techniques and training they need to accomplish the task well, you set them up for success. Do this throughout their lifetime and you help develop a child who is not afraid to risk, who’s willing to try new things. They begin to believe in themselves.

A key here is to balance between giving them enough leeway so the child feels like they are really doing the task on their own. In other words you’re not smothering or jumping in half way through the task and taking it over. At the same time, you are giving enough direction and instruction that the child has the opportunity to accomplish the task well and receive your praise and commendation when they do! This can be frustrating because many times you get into a project and realize the child isn’t quite getting it, or perhaps they are not doing the task up to your standards. May I suggest (for you especially “anal types” that you resist the temptation to “take over”. Keep your cool and your patience and remember, this is not about getting the task done perfectly, it’s about training your child and helping them learn and grow.

As a parent, you need to be intentional in giving your son or daughter lots and lots of opportunities to succeed at things. Doing this over the course of their 18 or so years with you, giving them ever-expanding responsibility is a key to developing a positive self image. In your zeal to build them up, don’t settle for mediocrity. As my dad always told me when I was growing up, “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.” So if the task is not done properly, find a way to lovingly point out the error and then don’t fix it for them. Have them make the necessary correction. In the end, you will have lots of opportunity to brag on your child, sing his or her praises and compliment them for sticking to it and a job well done.

Over time, your child will learn what success looks like and know they have it in them to achieve it.

Giving Your Kids the Gift of Self-Worth

Dave Welday — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 11:55:14 +0000

Last Wednesday night I was leading a “Winning Parent” parenting class at our community center. W got on the subject of self-esteem. What an amazing gift and advantage a child has when he or she grows up with a positive self-image! Having a good view about who you are, just liking yourself, that’s so important. People who like themselves, who believe in themselves, are more willing to take risk. Contrary to what you might think, they are more willing to give to others, to be more kind and compassionate. Why? Because people typically give out of their abundance, their overflow. A child who likes who they are can more easily pay attention to the needs of others. They are not so self-absorbed because they are not constantly trying to fill some deep longing for approval. They are satisfied. I don’t know what my parents did to give me this gift but they did. And I’m so grateful.

You can see it on the first grade playground and in the high school hallways. Kids who have a good self image don’t need to draw attention to themselves. They don’t need to pick on others to make themselves feel better.

Think about it, how many bad relationships do people get into, how many bad decisions are made, how many missed opportunities in life are there because a person struggles with believing in themselves. Your son could have a wonderful season playing t-ball or signing up for the college choir. Your daughter would be willing to tell you about the dance squad tryouts she’d really like to go for or the inappropriate advances from a boy in school that she fell for if she just believed she was worthy to do so.

In our group discussion we all agreed that having a good self-image is so, so essential. But is it something we can actually give our kids, or is it in our DNA? Maybe some people have it and some people don’t. Well genetics may have some role in it because our unique make-up plays a part in who we are as individuals. But I believe as parents there are things we can do to build up our kid’s sense of who they are, their self-worth. In our group discussion we can up with three things. I thought they were great so I’m going to share them with you here…well not all three of them. I’ve been rambling on enough that for this entry you get just one…but I’ll share the others shortly.

So here goes. Key parenting strategy #1 to give your kids a positive self image…. TIME. Yep. Spending time with your children is a gift that is precious. Chances are, they will never thank you for it, at least not till their grown and on their own. You may never see the expression of joy on their faces because you took time to pick out an outfit with them, or throw the ball with them, or attend their soccer game or their school play, of faun over the cool model they made, or attend their “tea party” or read to them. But spending time with your kids says to them in unspoken yet profoundly deep ways, “You matter to me.” “You’re worth my time and attention.” Can you see how important it is to simply spend time with your child?

Understand, this is not something you do for the month of November and check it off your to-do list. No, spending time has to be something that you make a priority to do all the time. In fact, if you get into the habit of spending time with your kids, being invested in their lives, then when seasons or situations arise where for business, health or other reasons, you can’t spend as much time with your child, it’s OK. It’s OK because this period where you don’t spend as much time with them is clearly the exception not the norm.

So if you want you kids to have a healthy self-image, decide now that they are the most important gift to you in the world and that you won’t let work, worry, hobbies or habits keep you from spending the quality time with your kids that they need. Their life and maybe yours too can depend on it.

What are you doing with 21% of your life?

Dave Welday — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 02:00:03 +0000

The other day I was reading an e-newsletter from a friend of mine, an “etiquette specialist” who trains both business professional and children. Everybody needs to learn proper manners right? Her name is Maralee McKee. In her newsletter, she made reference to a statistic that I had never heard before, and it got me. If the average person lives to be 85 years old, then they will spend about 79% of their lives without their children living at home. For the roughly 18 years that your child lives under your direct care, that’s just 21% of your life. Wow! In our society we all want the “good life”, we want all the toys, all the freedom, all the self-indulgent behavior we can handle…and of course we want it now. The concept of delayed gratification” of saving up for a rainy day, is practically foreign to us. And so, many of us fill up that 21% of life when our kids need to be our primary focus, when they need our focused attention, we fill up that 21% chasing after our own career goals, our own pursuits, sometimes to the neglect and even peril of our children’s well being.

I know raising kids is hard work. You make sacrifices to be a parent, lots of them. It’s easy when you are in the throes of juggling work, managing a household, paying bills along with changing diapers, picking up spilled Yoo-Hoo off the family room carpet, trudging off to another T-ball or soccer game, having to figure out a math problem, that you start to ask “What did I get myself into?” or feel the urge to “check out” and simply go shoot hoops or go to the mall. But take a deep breath, back up and remember, you only have a little bit of time to pour yourself into your little one. Think 21%. Before you know it they are gone. You will never get that 21% of your life back. And I promise you, there will be many days ahead when you wish you could. I’ve never heard a successful businessman, politician, movie star or sports hero interviewed on televisions say, “You know, I think I spent too much time with my family. I wish I had devoted more energy to my career.” Nope. If they mention anything at all, it goes something like this, “My one regret is that I wished I would have been there more for my kids.”

So just remember, you’ve got 79% of your life to focus on you. (Well not really but you get my point.) Purpose every day to make 21% of your life really count for your kids. You will never regret it.

The Power of Blessing Your Children

Dave Welday — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 02:00:15 +0000

If you watch TV during the late night or early morning hours and are essentially ADD when it comes to clicking channels on the remote, you’ll see countless examples of “paid programming”. You know, the 30 minute infomercial shows led by some slender, buff young person promising you a hot, sexy bod in less than 30 days. But common sense tells you that there is no magic fat-burning pill. There is no painless exercise machine that in just 5 minutes a day will give you a magazine cover physique.

So it is with parenting. There is no magic formula that makes you an ideal mom or perfect dad. In truth, good parenting is hard work. It takes effort and consistency. But yet, there are some simple things you can do as a parent that can make a big difference in the heart of your child. One of these things I have discovered is the simple power of blessing your children. What do I mean by that? It’s like imparting some measure of approval, of wisdom or direction into your child’s heart. Throughout ancient history, the patriarch of the family would at some point, impart to their sons, a blessing, sort of like passing on an inheritance. This blessing was so coveted that one young son named Jacob schemed with his mother to steal the blessing from his father that was to be passed on to the older brother Esau. Jacob, a smooth-skinned conniving young man donned goat-skins to make his arms feel hairy so that his father, who was going blind, would feel Jacob’s arms and think that he was blessing Jacob’s older, hairier brother Esau.

So what does blessing your child look like today in the 21^st century? Well here’s how it has worked for me. Each morning, I make a point of driving my sons to school rather than having them take the bus. I enjoyed having this brief morning time with them, even though they aren’t particularly talkative in the morning. Before they hop out of the car, I lay my hand on their shoulder and bless them for the day. My blessing isn’t just a “Hey, have a nice day.” Nor is it a long-winded prayer. Rather it was an opportunity for me to speak something into and over their lives that I believe is part of God’s purpose and destiny for them. For example, I might say to my son Jason, “Jason, today I bless you with leadership, that you would be the leader I know God has called you to be. That when the opportunity arises, you will stand up for what is right even if that’s not cool or popular, that you will influence others in a positive way, by how you talk, think and act.” I would impart this blessing of leadership because being a leader is something I believe God has shown me that He is calling Jason to be. So, I am agreeing with God about a promise, a direction that I think He has for my son Jason.

I’ve done this daily blessing over the years for each of my sons and I believe it’s had an impact on their lives. I’ve noticed that if we are driving in the car and the radio is on, if we approach the school and I have not given them their blessing yet, they might actually turn the radio off, as if making sure I don’t forget to bless them. Any teenager who turns off the radio for any reason is an act of God anyway. But it shows me that my blessing is important to them. I suspect that as they get older and have kids of their own, they will look back and appreciate the power of my blessing them on a regular basis. Try it and see what happens.

Not Everybody Loves Raymond

Dave Welday — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:00:59 +0000

Recently I’ve been watching re-runs of the show “Everybody Loves Raymond” which runs on the TBS cable channel here in Orlando. It’s a funny show. And while I enjoy watching it, I find myself getting mad at the TV screen several times throughout an episode. (not a truly rational behavior, I know) Why you ask? Well I guess I get ticked off at what a bad father the character Ray plays. No he’s not “bad” in in an axe murderer sort of way. He’s just always avoiding any responsibility to lead his children, set a good example for them and stand up for his family and his wife, against the constant meddling of his mother. I mean, geeze. The show is funny but unfortunately the parenting strategy and values that show puts forth are horrible, even though it’s a reasonably clean show without a lot of trashy sexual innuendo and violent behavior. Then I consider how many other television shows have men with similar characters, where the lead male in the house is basically a dork. Consider Still Standing or King of Queens with Kevin James, (who’s a really funny guy if you ask me). Why do these shows bug me? I guess because I realize how comfortable Hollywood has become at portraying men in a way that “de-masculinizes” them. How are young boys and girls for that matter going to grow up with a clear understanding of how a man should act?

What do I want to see when I talk about portraying a positive male role model in the media? I guess I’m looking for examples of men who act like I want my own sons to act. Men who are strong, courageous, willing to take risks. Men who dream big dreams, who stand up for truth and justice. Men who don’t pick fights but who don’t run from them either. Men who live to not rule over their wives and kids but serve them…and yet while serving them are not afraid to exert leadership an authority in a way that makes a household thrive. Where are these examples in the media, in our culture today?

I think it would be awesome if the media gave us lots of positive examples of strong husbands and fathers. That would be great. And certainly there are some great examples out there. You just have to look for them. But the most critical example of what a strong, godly man looks like needs to come from you and me. As a father, you have to be the ultimate example that your kids want to emulate. Truth is, you are setting an example whether you like it or not. The only questions is whether or not you are setting a good one. You do your job well and the rest of the world can put forth all kinds of trashy examples of what it means to be an excellent father and husband. Your kids can see all sorts of mediocre to poor examples of a dad and it will make the bar you have set for your own life look that much higher. You will be that much more of the hero and standard that your kids will set for themselves. Am I putting too much pressure on you to perform? I don’t think so. I certainly am no superstar of a husband and father, though I hope my wife and kids would beg to differ. Men like a challenge. So before you spend too much time focusing on things like lowering your golf score or winning your Fantasy Football pool, step back and ask yourself if you are being the kind of husband and father that you are capable of being. It will make all the difference in the world to your kids.

Making Your Home a Haven not a Hornet’s Nest

Dave Welday — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 02:00:58 +0000

Recently the news media has been all over this poor 22 year old mom, Casey Anthony, who is suspected of having killed her three year old daughter Caylee. She was in jail, then out of jail, back in jail and now out again. I can’t imagine what was going on in that household. I’m certainly not here to judge. I don’t know all the facts. But the whole mess is a sad indication that for so many kids these days, home is no longer a place of safety, a haven where a child can grow up feeling loved and feeling safe, secure and affirmed.

Seems that in our pursuit of the American dream, our clamor for more and more things, we wind up piling on more debt. With that debt comes an overwhelming pressure that cracks and sometimes destroys families. We wind up working longer hours that take away precious moments with our kids. We need to stop, take a deep breath and just listen to them. We need to show genuine interest in them and what they are into. Kids don’t need material “stuff” nearly as much as you think they do. They need time with you. They need to know that they are an important part of what makes your family amazing and special. Don’t let them become just a financial burden that you have to bear.

I guarantee that your child will be better off going without an X-Box 360 or a new I-phone if that means having more quality time together as a family. Take some time to play badminton in the back yard or let them learn how to bake cookies with you or help you change the oil in the car. You see, doing things TOGETHER, even simple things like family chores, builds a sense of togetherness, of family, of security and belonging that kids today desperately need. If your home is truly a haven and your relationships are sound, then the pull of peer pressure will be lessened. Of course your children need to spread their social wings and make connections, bonds and friendships outside the home. But if home is a safe place for them. If home is a field of good memories, of caring, of doing things together, oh my, what a huge difference that will make in the heart and psyche of your child. We are seeing a generation of children growing up who have had more material benefits than any previous generation. They are exposed to more opportunity. They have more “stuff”. Yet, so many are emotionally bankrupt, starved for affection and lost. Why? Because home was just a place to go to sleep at night. And in some cases, it was more like a hornet’s nest where the child felt the need to tip-toe through the house not making any waves for fear that a parent, step-parent, live-in or older sibling would suddenly lose their cool and pop off, become emotionally abusive or worse.

I don’t expect us to go back to the days of Andy Griffith and Leave it to Beaver. That’s not reality. But in the midst of our fast-paced, media saturated society where kids are exposed to more and more garbage and bad examples of character at an earlier and earlier age, it is that much more essential that they see a standard at home that is strong, trustworthy, consistent, reliable, loving and safe…a haven of nurturing support that will establish and guide them through their childhood years.

Napkin Notes Can Make Lunchtime a Memory

Dave Welday — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 04:00:30 +0000

One of the ways my wife and I try to make daily “deposits” of love and direction into our children’s lives is by writing a little note on the napkin we put inside their lunch bag before they head off to school in the morning. These “napkin notes” are just little inspirational sayings that impart some truth or character that we hope our sons will embrace. For example, “Everything turns out alright in the end so if everything’s not alright, it’s not the end”. Or, “What you do speaks louder than what you say, so DO something nice for someone today.” Often times I make up these sayings but there are loads of books out there that are filled with short, inspirational, spiritual and helpful quotes that you could use to come up with the things you want to say.

An interesting thing happens with these napkin notes. We discovered that the kids who eat lunch with our sons would start reading the notes. Some even asked if they could have one. So for awhile my wife was writing 3-4 notes each morning and putting them in our son’s lunch bag so he had notes to hand out to his friends at the lunch table.

You never know how some of these powerful thoughts and truths shared on a napkin will have an impact our kids. Jason just finished school this year. As he was cleaning out his locker, he noticed that his friend had taken one of his napkin notes, the one that had the quote about everything turning out alright in the end, and taped inside his locker. My wife has noticed napkin note quotes written on book covers and school folders of some of his friends when they come over to study or play a video game after school.

Will any of these kids ever come up to me or my wife and say “Gee Mr. & Mrs. Welday, I was really encouraged and inspired by that note you put on Jason’s napkin last month.”? Not hardly. But I know some of the messages from these notes are getting through. So try it. It’s just one more way you invest in your child, letting them know you care, that they are special and that you see a bright hope and future for them.

Standing Between the Living and the Dead

Dave Welday — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 04:00:59 +0000

There’s an amazing story from the book of Numbers, which is the fourth of 66 books that comprise the Bible. In it the children of Israel were murmuring and complaining and the Lord decided He’d had enough and was going to wipe out this ungrateful and stubborn people. As a plague began to spread, Moses, the leader of the band of people instructed his chief priest Aaron to go out into the middle of the people and make a sacrifice to the Lord. There, in the midst of this race of people, where Aaron took his stand, the plague ceased. Aaron literally stood between the living and the dead that day. All who were before Aaron in the throng of people died, over 14,000 of them. All who came after Aaron were spared.

Why do I share this story?. Because I am aware that many of us as parents, especially dads, have the same opportunity to stand between the living and the dead. Recently I’ve had conversations with a couple different men, friends of mine, who were raised by alcoholic, abusive men. Their dads were just not so great at being a good role model and showing their own sons what it means to be a man of honor, strength, character and worth. In fact these men, not only had less than ideal dads, turns out that before them, were generations of fathers who instead of passing on traditions of love, acceptance, forgiveness, passed on their own hurt, fears, inadequacies and insecurities. The abuse and neglect went back several generations. So what did these friends of mine do? Somewhere along the journey of their life, they made a choice to be like Aaron and stand between the living and the dead. They chose to say, “I will break the curse, the tradition of failure that I inherited. And I will begin a new tradition, a tradition of blessing my children, of loving them unconditionally and honoring their worth.” Wow! Maybe you are a dad (or mom) who was not raised by Ozzie and Harriet. Your own childhood was marred and scarred by a less than ideal parent. So what will you do with that loss and pain? Will you pass it on? Why not? Society expects you to. I mean, nobody would blame you for being a dysfunctional parent knowing the dysfunctional childhood you experienced. But thank God that with His help, each of us can make a choice. Each of us can choose to break the generational curse of abuse and neglect and choose to live our lives as an offering to God, standing between the living and the dead, so that our children, and their children, and their children’s children, can inherit a heritage of blessing, love, acceptance, forgiveness and joy.